Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Everywhere You Go, There You Are. Are You Truley Lost? Dig Deeper

I feel like I have lost myself. Not sure where I went or when I left. I feel pretty raw and bleeding right now. I am accountable. Accountable for the personal lack of clarity about the choices I have made or not. No blaming here- or projecting any responsibility of the pain I am in.
There are a few things I know for certain:

1) I love my wife very much , with no conditions. I wish she knew it. It doesn't have to be as hard as both of us make it.

2) I love my daughter and three son's very much.
3) I love what I do and the people I work with. Without them I would have no real connection to humanities pain, struggle, joy, and victory's that are all possible. Through them I am continually reminded of God's love, blessings, miracles, and rewards who take the road through pain and not around it.
4) I feel a very painful solitary aloneness much of the time. All I know for certain is to have faith in God and do the next right thing.
5) I know longer trust, count on, or expect too much. I do know that if I don't learn to trust and be loved again I will die of thirst for love-- in this desert I've created for myself.
6) When I was in prison and I had hit bottom there was much time to think. I knew that the only way back was through my faith in God. God has always given me His greatest blessings and love through the relationships with good men who could sit in a circle speak from there hearts with strength, love, and honesty. It still is. I have to take the energy, time, and actions to a open a door for them to come in. God speaks through that masculine container to give me a grounding to the earth brutally honest self-reflection, with an ability to face the fears I avoid facing.
7) I know that my happiness and fulfillment with life is not based on where I am at any one time. God has blessed me with arranging this “post“ or geography for me. I feel like a time traveler who has gone back in time to a different culture who is struggling with their own identity and resistance to change. The period I just dotted dropped a thought squarely enough on my head to make it worthy of at least a sentence. The concept of struggling with their own identity and resistance to change-- is truly a projection of my own struggle onto my surroundings.


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